Today's Adventure: Wet Floors

Our first entry starts in my humble abode. My brother Jacob and I were heading to the kitchen to make some snackage for our bony fat asses. It had been a bland Saturday and we were simply looking for SOMETHING to do. Eating seemed like hitting two birds with one sandwich--I mean stone. No. Scratch that, I meant sandwich.

As we reached the dining room, we paused to see possibly the oddest sight in the history of...well, that week. We see a lot of odd things these days.

Grandma Audrey was perched in the middle of our kitchen, bent 90 degrees at the middle, stooping to reach the hardwood. She was cleaning our entire kitchen floor with a single wet paper towel. Who knows how long it took her to even GET into that position, let alone clean half the floor. Jacob and I looked at each other, then grandma. What.

So I figured I'd help both of us. Get her out of that possibly lethal position, and get her 82 year old sweat-pant-posterior out of our field of vision so we could get our appetites back. I started with a polite "Grandma?"

No answer.

I tried again, this time raising my voice. "Grandma?"

Her backside still burning at my retinas.

I tapped her on the shoulder and practically shouted "AUDREY."

She jumped up, several of her joints and bones making the sound equivalent to a fat kid angrily headbutting a bag of cheetos he couldn't open.

"YES?" She answered back in her witch-cackle-in-a-megaphone voice.

I kindly let her know that my mother mops the floor every Sunday, and it was Saturday. She didn't have to "mop" the floor, my mom would take care of it the next day.

 Her prune-like face puckered and flushed red. She turned to my brother and I and shouted "WELL LETS SEE YOU DO A BETTER JOB CLEANING THIS!" She made a noise I can only say sounded like a rooster crowing and gargling water at the same time. Then she threw the dirty-balled-up paper towel at us in an upward arch of fury.

I swear to you, I could have walked around her, made a sandwich, sat down at the table, finished my meal and headed back before dodging this thing. I slowly stepped out of the way and the paper landed in between Jacob and I. Audrey hobbled off, making that odd rooster noise as she waddled up the stairs to her room.

We looked at the paper.

We looked at eachother.

Rinse repeat.

We lol'd.

Not much happened the rest of that day, but at that moment our Saturday didn't seem so dull anymore.

Welcome! An intro.

Hello friends, family and watchers. If you have come here looking for mild amusement, look no further! This is a gold mine for your lulz-cravings.


If you don't know me, my step-grandmother Audrey has been living with us for almost 2 years now. She's too nuts to live on her own, so we take care of her. She's kooky, loud, and unpredictable. Annoying as this is on a daily basis, some of the things she says are down right absurd[in a great way]. I've decided to share these stories with the internet.


Strap in folks. It's going to be an....interesting experience.